Well, okey, maybe this isn't technically a "rant," but it's not a book, movie or music review either. Maybe I need to need to create a catch-all category just called "reviews." One more thing to add to the redesign menu. But anyway, without further adoo (adieu?)…
Certainly, I'm a little late, but as of the start of this review, I still have a full thirty minutes in which to review these various egg nogs for your New Year's Eve drinking pleasure. And yes, I know I said I was going to go to bed early tonight, but I started watching Back to the Future, and ended up watching the entire trilogy. Sosumi.
Food Lion Pasteurized Homogenized Old Fashioned Egg Nog
What first struck me about this particular brand was the juxtaposition of "Pasteurized Homogenized" and "Old Fashioned" in the name, especially the way that "Old Fashioned" seems kind of crammed onto the label as an afterthought. I also like how it says "Satisfaction Guaranteed" on the back, as if in anticipation of some guy coming into the store with a half-drunk carton of egg nog and demanding his money back. As far as the nog itself goes, it tastes much like sweetened half-n-half with a 1/4 teaspoon of vanilla extract must taste. Blech.
Original Brand Pennsylvania Dutch Egg Nog: Made with Real Dairy Cream, Rum Brandy and Blended Whiskey"
I received this particular "Old Style Egg Nog" as a gift from a co-worker. At 14.75% alcohol by volume, this nog is the only one that actually contains any alcohol, including the ill-named Southern Comfort nog reviewed below. The nog is very much like what the label says, and… well… tastes like cream, rum, brandy and whiskey. Or at least it would if I had any clue as to what the distinct and various flavors of those alcohol things were. All things considered, I have the distinct impression that if I continued to drink it for any length of time, I would get stinking-ass drunk. 'Nuff said.
Land O Lakes Gourmet Eggnog: Holiday Collection
On the box, the word is written "Eggnog" all as one word, but there's a very small extra space between the "Egg" and the "nog," almost as if the packaging designers were hedging their bets about the public's acceptance of them making a compound word out of the more "old fashioned" separate words. This one is really, really, reeeeeally creamy, and reeks of nutmeg. I'm not sure if I love it or hate it. Possibly an okey drink, though my judgement may be more reliable if I weren't getting steeeenkiing drunk on this Pennsylvania Dutch stuff. Yep. Dronk.
Borden's Canned whatever it's called egg nog
Okay, so I don't have a can of this actually on hand, but I had one a few weeks ago, and my mom regularly served me nothing but (aside from one year's disasterous attempt at home-made) for 16+ years. It's thin, it's weak, it tastes watered-down, and lacking an any sort of flavor that I expect from my nog. Definitely the nog to keep in the bomb shelter, though. Although, I would think the PennDutch liquored up one should preserve pretty well, too.
Southern Comfort Vanilla Spice flavored Egg Nog Non-Alcoholic
Another example of trying to cram too much information onto the face of the carton, this nog tries to be all things to all people, and… well, honestly, it's not bad. It definitely lacks the kick of the P-Dutchy nog, but on the other hand, it also lacks the bite. Egg nog is supposed to be smooth— who wants it to bite? I mean, unless you're aiming to get stonkin' dronk. It is, indeed, very vanilla-y, which may be its only weak point. It's got a good slightly egg-y flavor, and just enough nutmeg to give it flavor, but not enough to choke the proverbial egg-nog-drinking horse.
Southern Comfort is my final choice of a beverage that I have suddenly gotten very sick of drinking. But really, any of these lovely nogs will provide you with 26% of your RDA of saturated fat in only one 4 oz. serving, and isn't that what holiday fare is all about?